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March

March 1, 2003

... The morning after... THANK YOU to everyone who helped to put the CD release party in the history books. If you missed it, wow... I'm humbled by the personal turnout – it's fresh to know I have such good folks around me. Thanks to Ecko Clothing for the giveaways... All-Star Weekend in Atlanta was bananas – thanks to Tim and everyone who made the party happen. Also, respect to the folks over at P. Miller for outfitting me... Godfather update: The brainwashing has worked! Jalen will soon be a DJ... More and more big things coming, including the birthday bashment in April (stay tuned). A special thanks to Josh and T – can't really express it here, but I'll find a way. Happy birthday to ALL of my Pisces folk: Pop Dukes, Tone, Buck Duck, Kali, Chris, Makonnen, & Seth. Enjoy this piece I wrote last week, and I'll see you out soon! – Ras Vader

"I Never Loved H.E.R."
by van vader
2.23.03

It's funny, when I first met her I really didn't think she was all that. No, seriously – I wasn't hating, I just didn't see what all the fuss was over. I mean, after her man dropped her, everyone was talking about her; everyone wanted to get with her. And, I mean everyone... For some reason, she chose me... Don't get me wrong; shorty is cool to kick it with every now and then, but in my face all day, everyday? Not for me. But, that's what ended up happening...

I guess I gave into the pressure after a while. I couldn't go anywhere without folks talking about her. At first, people who didn't even know her were talking – saying they had heard the buzz and had to see for themselves. Eventually, there was no one who didn't know and love her. We began to get more acquainted with each other. Apparently, so did a lot of people. And, everyone randomly knew we were together. If I went out, strangers were asking about her – where she was, what time she would be there. And, even when she made her "special" appearances, they wanted to know when she was coming back! Come on now, she ain't all that... is she?

What began as a relationship more out of curiosity and peer pressure grew more and more into, well, a fatal attraction. I felt I was suffocating and needed my space quickly. But, all of a sudden I couldn't avoid her. She was everywhere I went – on billboards, in magazines, TV, radio. You may think I'm paranoid, but I know she was stalking me. She left me messages telling me where she would be, as if I were looking for her: "You can find me in the club..." And, what made it worse, I couldn't even take a break. Everywhere I went, all these people who were completely unaware of the fact that I was trying to get some space would ask me about her, "Yo, what's up with..." We had only been talking a couple of months, but for some reason, people could not see me without thinking about her. It was like she was my only pair of shoes and people couldn't believe I was walking without 'em, like, "Uh, hello? How are you walking?" I've got other shoes!! The worst part? I had others with me at the time. Sure, she and I were talking, but we weren't committed. No, she was seeing others. I too was seeing others, some new, some old relationships that never died. I even brought them when I was out. Do you know folks were inconsiderate enough to ask about her when I had someone else by my side?! Believe me, it was a crazy time.

Until Saturday, the 22nd. That's when I finally decided I had to have my space. I had to ignore the urge to call her – even when pressured to. I won't lie to you, there were two occasions that night when I wanted to have her there – without outside pressure at all – but I resisted. I even wanted her man to take her back. See, I wanted my friends to meet some of the others in my life who are so much more important than she is... others who'll be around long after she's gone, trust me... I made it through the whole night without anyone's asking me where she was, or what or how she was doing. Well, almost.

3:53AM, I would be going home soon. I had my SpotieOtieDopalicious angel by my side, feeling good about making it through the whole night holding to my stern resolution. It wasn't that I hated her – still don't – I just needed some separation. At least one night. But, as the clock turned to 3:55, and R. Kelly waited in the wings, an unsuspecting dude came up to me, completely unaware of the triumph of the moment, completely ignorant to the fact that I had made it through a whole night without her.

"Yo, what's up with Fifty's joint?"

Some habits are hard to break. I just laughed.